It wasn’t until the later part of the 1990’s when my marriage was falling apart that I began to accept I was a depressive. I realized then that depression had always been a part of my life, I just chose to ignore it. I remember having more persistent thoughts of suicide during this time. Such thoughts flowed forth in a river of emotional pain after I found out the love of my life, my best friend, the one I trusted the most in life had betrayed our vows. My thoughts of suicide though were not her fault, these were my thoughts. I quickly realized it was me who needed to take responsibility for them and also learn to deal with them while dwelling in the throes of depression.
Easier said than done as they say…… back then, I got very close to beginning the journey down a road that would end my life. As the years went by it became evident that how I was raised had been a contributing factor in how I ignored and suppressed my moods of depression. However, my upbringing is also a key component in why I didn’t take my life. My parents from the example of their actions and deeds (whether I deemed them good or bad) had instilled in me this tremendous will power to live no matter if the present reality felt bleak. I learned from them the art of distraction away from my problems to focus on staying busy in life and helping others.
I am a survivor starkly in contrast to those who have chosen to take their lives. I don’t judge them, I accept them like I have accepted myself, my condition (what I call My Abnormalities Normality) and totally respect their right to choice. I though have chosen a different path. A path to live despite the intense emotional pain I suffer with depression. In my ongoing search to unravel the mystery of why I am the way I am., I’ve discovered a part of my depression stems from an inherit emphatic sensitivity. I have this high functioning mind with an empathic felt sense not only dialed into myself but into those feelings filled with emotion emanating from other fellow human beings. What also adds to the condition of this heighten, super charged mind, is I am also clairsentient. This high functioning state of mind often leads to a mental exhaustion and fragmentation that periodically seeks recuperation in the deep dark pit of depression. While I’m dwelling in this shroud of melancholy is when the voice of suicide or the notion of life’s end becomes most prominent.
Over-time I have been able to let go of all the socially embedded predispositions and inhibitions associated with having thoughts of suicide. I have accepted and made peace with this ever present voice within my head. I have shed all quilt and shame for the notion of life’s end being a part of the fabric that makes me be uniquely myself. As the end portion of one of the poems in this book titled a voice within whispers says…..
I’m a survivor
’cause I’ve
learned to accept
this kind of voice
going on
in my mind
as part of
the normal process
of me being me
MY
ABNORMALITIES
NORMALITY
regardless what others
may or may not think
as the balloon is let go
by the little boy
to aimlessly
drift in the sky
I have let go of
the socially embedded
predisposition
and inhibition
that emerges guilt ~
instills shame
and I just let
the notion
the option of
life’s end
float around
and around
in my head
as the normal
minutia
plain old
thought stuff
not overly
focused on …..
I let it be in peace
as nothing more
nor nothing less
My having an emphatic sensitivity and being clairsentient has ironically lent a helping hand in the ongoing healing process of my mental conditions. The continued development of my abilities has allowed me to emphatically put myself in another person’s shoes without experiencing transference and becoming overly sympathetic to their reality. These abilities have helped me to foresee the devastating and lasting effect it would have on my love ones if I chose to commit suicide. Hence, a big contributing factor in why I have never committed the act regardless of my intense emotional pain suffered during periods of depression. These abilities have allowed me to be intelligently progressive in my spiritual growth as a mystic and becoming a social activist performance artist who uses his art to create change for the future betterment of THE HUMAN RACE. Thus helping me to refine and improve the art of distraction away from my problems to focus on staying busy in life and helping others that my parents exemplified during my childhood.
Let’s be truly honest with ourselves…… depression or being bipolar can lead to suicide. The aftermath of suicide has devastated family members and friends left behind to deal with the loss. In 2015 I had the honor of walking 16 miles with my hero, mentor, editor and fellow artist Madeline Sharples. Together in Boston we participated in the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk in honor of her son Paul who was Bi-Polar and committed suicide. Madeline wrote a memoir with poems about the experience called Leaving the Hall lights On. Herein is my review of her book on Amazon …..
This memoir with poems by Madeline Sharples, I hope will have a positive effect on the reader’s intellect and values beyond the awareness of a mother’s tremendous courage as a human being to cope with and talk about the loss of her son. Way beyond her gifted abilities to write so openly and poetically about her son’s life experience, his all-out struggle with a condition not fully understood and still felt as not normal by others. Way, way beyond the heart wrenching trauma underwent by a family who had a beloved member commit the ill thought of and unspeakable act, the taking of his own life. Madeline’s forthright and insightful words, whether intentional or not, will present an introspective opportunity to the reader. Where the reader is unexpectedly provided the chance to self-reflect and wrestle with their own preconceived biases and inhibitions on this matter. Those socially embedded judgments, which sadly cause a state of dis-ease, a lack of discernment concerning two separate but often associated components within the trials and tribulations of day-to-day living. Publicly chosen and accepted labels, shadowed by the stigma of disease, mental illness and defect, called bipolar disorder and suicide.
In Leaving the Hall Light On, Madeline Sharples has graciously given forth the experience of her son’s journey through life as a precious gift. Her son’s life and how he lived it, holds out tremendous value to those who care to listen. Beneath the pain and stigma, is a cherished life, no matter if perceived as being tragically cut short, in the end was well worth every moment it was humanly lived. A life of a son, portrayed honestly without embarrassment or regret by the loving words of his mother. The writing of this memoir with poems by Madeline Sharples may have been at times hard for her to say or bear; and yet, her heartfelt words keep alive the spirit of purpose and positive effect her son’s life experience will have on others, even after he chose to walk into the release of death. Her son’s life and death offers us all the opportunity to learn and then personally grow as a human being ourselves.
Thank you Madeline Sharples for helping to let the memory, the spirit and the value of Paul’s life, get the chance to breathe fully within the beat of time.
Madeline’s book is truly ground breaking in my humble opinion. She had the courage to expose the whole process, the after affect of when someone chooses to commit suicide and how those left behind have to deal with it all. As we walked in Boston in the rain and cold, I looked at this petite woman in her mid-seventies walking stride for stride with me and asked, “Do you think if Paul could comeback in time and foresee the effect suicide has on those left behind, would it have prevented him from committing suicide?” My hero in life gently nodded her head and said yes.
I can only pray and hope when I say, I will tell you the tale in this book of poetic words and images it will create the same ground breaking effect as Madeline Sharples memoir with poems – Leaving the Hall lights On.
Peace out !
I will tell you the tale
listen ~ if your spirit
is willing ….
I will tell you the tale
the ups and downs
of my super charged mind
the time I’ve spent
in the deep dark pit
called depression
and the notions I’ve had
about life’s end
and yet ~
all the while
all and all
I’ve been able to live
a socially proactive
PRO-HUMAN life
that at the end
of most days
I’ve been able
to be
this functional
and productive
human being
that has blessed
my life
with the gifts
of hope and joy
in spite of
the shadow of melancholy
cast over my journey
listen ~ if your spirit
is willing ….
I will tell you the tale
the ups and downs
of my super charged mind
the time I’ve spent
in the deep dark pit
called depression
and the notions I’ve had
about life’s end
I will do so ~
through the creative act
a delicate mixture
between word and image
in just the right way
it will bring back to light
out of the darkness
those hidden
socially embedded
predispositions
and inhibitions
with one purpose
to create
a process
of open dialogue
a form of communication
that will hopefully nurture
among willing participants
a more cooperative
PRO-HUMAN spirit
that will emerge
a healing for those
who undergo mental conditions
(note: I didn’t say, “mental illness”)
and may ponder
a type of relief
from their trials
and tribulations
through the act of suicide
but ~
instead
in the end
through dialogue with others
it will lead to the continuance
of a more PROACTIVE life
filled with hope and joy
like I have found ….
…… it will also be for them
listen ~ if your spirit
is willing ….
I will tell you the tale
the ups and downs
of my super charged mind
the time I’ve spent
in the deep dark pit
called depression
and the notions I’ve had
about life’s end
peace out
~Keith Alan Hamilton~
